Oh, no! Not Uncle Ben!

Well, apparently I'm not one of those people who learns from my mistakes. Remember those brownies that I FUBAR'd? Well, kids, tonight it's Uncle Ben. Not just plain old Uncle Ben, but Uncle Ben Boil-in-Bag - the easy stuff. The stuff made for morons who can't figure out how to cook rice. Morons like me.



First, let me explain. I used to measure out the water to make mac n cheese. I mean, if it called for 6 cups or quarts or whatever the hell, and I couldn't find the right measuring cup, I didn't make mac n cheese. This went on until I was seventeen, and my best friend at the time explained (very slowly) that the water is drained so it doesn't really matter how much water you use, as long as it's enough to just cook the noodles. It was another two years before I quit cooking them in a big pot like you would use to make chili for six people. For serious. To this day I get kind of nervous making it in a sauce pan.

So, when the directions on the box said "In a 2-qt. saucepan, submerge unopened bag of rice in 4 cups of water," I figured - fuck it, you're just gonna drain it. So I got the biggest sauce pan and I filled it up with water, let it boil, and I put in the bag. 12 minutes later I took the bag out, opened it up, and poured the rice on a plate. Then I covered the rice with some of the sauce from the frozen Sesame Chicken mess that I was making and settled in for a delicious dinner. I scooped up a nice forkful of saucy rice and I was absolutely crushed when every grain in my mouth crunched between my teeth.

Stupid rice. So I just ate the chicken. Then I noticed something. The rice, it looked like it had little...well...look for yourself:



Doesn't it kind of remind you of that scene in "Lost Boys" where first it's rice, then it's maggots, then it's rice? Yeah, this basically looks like a maggot with a full stomach to me. Sorry, but it does.

So much for sesame chicken. If I get any kind of appetite back, it's gonna be Pringles for dinner.