911

In the past year, I've had to call 911 three times. The first time, last December, some lady followed me into my apartment building and tried to fight with me. She thought my neighbor had stolen her coat and wanted me to move so she could go, I don't know, fight with my neighbor or something. She was drunk and wouldn't leave, so I called the cops.

The second time was a few months ago, I was at a friend's house. His neighbors were fighting, which wasn't a big deal, but I heard the lady scream (in answer to her live-in boyfriend's question, which I couldn't hear), "Because you fucking BEAT ME. THAT'S WHY." Then there were a series of thuds and bangs that basically sounded like someone was getting their ass kicked. My friend didn't want to call the cops, I never really understood why, but he asked me to, so I did.

Just now, I was turning from Madison onto Oak Park Avenue behind a big white van. I was in the middle of turning when the van stopped and the driver opened the door to puke. Or something like puke. I could only see his head and then see something splat on the ground. He started driving again, weaving all over the road, going 17-25 in a 30 MPH zone, and when we pulled up to a red light he leaned out to puke again. The he started to drive but stopped because nobody else was going (the light was still red). When the light changed, he didn't go. Then he swerved his way another half block before I just pulled over to call 911 to report him as a drunk driver.

A few years ago, I thought some girl was dead behind the wheel of an older mini van. She wasn't responding, her van looked fucked up, I called 911 after asking her repeatedly if she was okay. It wasn't until after I was giving the operator our location that I hear, "I'm fine. Jesus Christ!" And I looked up and she's staring at me with eyes that certain shade of blue that look creepy no matter where you see them.

Earlier that year, I called 911 because a semi had run over a minivan in its blind spot and kept going. A few years before that because I got mugged.

I guess the whole point of this list is, you'd think a life with this much police activity would be a lot more interesting, but here I am, just loading up my MP3 player, eating raisins, and wondering if "Pushing Daisies" is new this week