Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Ho ho ho

Black Monday! Time for shopping! I went to the Toys R Us site yesterday and I was greeted with this:

What the fuck? So I went to see what kind of games need a girls-only version. And here we go:

Monopoly: Pink Boutique Edition

"This is Monopoly like you have never seen it - dressed up in pink and all about things girls love! Buy boutiques and malls, go on a shopping spree, pay your cell phone bill, and get text and instant messages. You and your friends will adore the funky tokens, cool buildings, and cute illustrations. Best of all, the game is stored in a beautiful keepsake box which doubles as a jewelry box. Cool game features include: 8 collectible tokens just for girls, keepsake storage box with removable tray and mirrored insert, pink gameboard with fun properties, pink and purple translucent boutiques and malls instead of houses and hotels, Instant Message and Text Message cards instead of Chance and Community Chest, pink Title Deed cards, redesigned Monopoly money, flocked banker's tray, 2 pink dice, and instructions. Paint the town pink with Toys R Us Exclusive!"

(Because girls only ever want shopping sprees and funky tokens. By the by, any girl who wants to be this game's idea of a woman probably never actually has to pay her own cell phone bill.)

Jenga Girl Talk

"Gather your girlfriends and get ready for a twist on this classic wood block game. Jenga GirlTalk has a cool new look and a fun new element - pull out a block, then answer a question, such as: If you had one wish, what would you wish for? or Who is your closest friend? It will have you and your friends stackin', askin' and laughin', but remember - don't let 'em topple! Includes 54 precision-crafted solid wood blocks, each with a different question, an ultracool, stylish microfiber stacking sleeve, and instructions."

(This is actually a great way to start a bitch fight. I can see it now, 11-year-olds all throwing their Capri-Sun pouches at each other, shrieking about "Suzie is MY best friend, you fucking cunt!" and "What do you mean, you'd wish Steve would kiss you? I AM CARRYING HIS FUCKING BABY!")

Oh, and let's see what you can get if you're not comfortable with these choices:

"Oh, here you go you big fat fatty, Merry Xmas. By the by, don't eat the game. Fatty."

Even if you're giving this to a perfectly healthy girl, this is what she will hear. And it will scar her for life, FYI.

Actual non-sarcastic pro tip: When shopping for kids, go two years above what the item recommends. For example, if you're shopping for a 12-year-old, look for stuff in the 14-year-old's section. The recommended ages are basically lowest common denominator suggestions. Unless the kid you're shopping for is the lowest common denominator, in which case just get a box with a ball inside, and duct tape the box all over. This is more for your entertainment than the child's, but the child will never know.

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