Dear corporate assholes,

Dear corporate assholes,

I'm sick of this. Do you know what the people with Bachelor Degrees who apply for administrative assistant jobs did in college? They drank, they partied, they went on fantastic Spring Break trips. They ranked pretty low in their graduating class. That's why they are applying to sort your mail and fix your mistakes - they can't get a job where they can get their own assistant.

Why not hire me? I drank the whole time those other fuckers were drinking, and I did it like I meant it. I can read, I can type, and my gramma said if you can read you can learn how to do just about anything but sing and paint a picture. And I don't want an assistant. I don't want to climb the corporate fucking ladder. I just want a job where I don't have to put up with a whole new set of morons every day. I'm okay with just dealing with the same morons day in and day out.

I'm only getting an Associate Degree, but damn it all to hell, you bring in one of those low-ranking tarts with the perky boobs and tell us both to do something impressive with powerpoint, and I'll blow that collegiate whore out of the water. Last semester, I was working 50 hours a week, having to take the el an hour and fifteen minutes each way to work, and a cab to class three times a week and I still pulled a 3.2 GPA.

Quit giving me this fucking line about how I have to have a Bachelor Degree to file your fucking reports. Quit telling me that I'm not good enough to shuffle your fucking paperwork. My cleavage is nothing to brag about, but I'll make you look damn fine to your clients.

Fuck you bastards anyhow.

Dear my mom,

There's no way you "accidentally" let that shit slip last night. Get your fucking story straight, this is not a game. This is my life.

While we're at it, take your fucking reiki master and shove her up your ass. I'll put my faith in medicine, thanks, if for no other reason than my insurance plan doesn't cover "new age bullshit jibber jabber."

Sincerely,
M